Before the internet
The Dark Ages.
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- Date: 00/0000
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- Known For: No Internet.
Believe it or not, there was a time before the Internet. Not much is known about it, but prominent online scholars center their entire careers over piecing together information about this primitive era.
Unfortunately, many of the books written before the Internet are unintelligible because of the complexities of the written language, so most of what we know is taken from films shot in the 1980's and prior. With this information, Internet academics have put out some theories on what life was like before we were all connected by wires.
The standard diet of pre-Internet humans was very different from the hot-pocket-and-Mountain-Dew diet we subscribe to today. People would take weekly trips to the grocery store to buy fresh ingredients, which they would use to create elaborate and fattening meals. Without distractions like Reddit, however, many individuals would find time to exercise, thus staving off obesity.
Before Evony and other entertainment programs, humans actually had to entertain themselves. Methods of doing so varied; some enjoyed reading, while others went to large rooms filled with music, bought expensive drinks, and had carnal relations with strangers. This bizarre activity was called "clubbing". Those who chronically experienced boredom would take drugs, often leading to addiction. As we all know, drug addiction has since been entirely replaced with World of Warcraft.
Without the presence of chatrooms and online dating sites, mating rituals were much more complex. Pre-Internet humans actually had to leave their basements in order to find suitable partners and procreate. Those who didn't find acceptable mates in high school would frequent dim, smelly places called "bars" to find their significant others, or at least a quick lay. It must be noted that depraved sex acts were much more taboo before places like FurAffinity and DeviantArt decided that all fetishes were completely natural and okay to talk about. Including the illegal ones. Before the Internet, porn was much more difficult to come upon, and sticky sex tapes were traded much like Pokemon cards.
Back in the day, people would make friends based on overall compatibility rather than bonding to whoever had the same least-favorite Harry Potter character. It may be difficult for us to imagine what life was like before forums, but studies indicate that many pre-Internet humans had active social lives. There were multiple methods of communication: face-to-face, telephone, and mail. These methods were often inconvenient and quickly faded into obscurity with the inception of the Internet.
- Before the Internet, humans used an unwieldy written language that pre-dated "txt-speak".
- Before the Internet, messages were sent around office settings with an actual series of tubes. As these worked by sucking things they were subject to misuse.
- Many parallels of pre-Internet times exist online - for example, bathroom stall graffiti is comparable to Youtube comments, and similarities exist between such slogans as "Kilroy was here" or "Andre the Giant has a posse" and modern memes.