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Twilight

The dullest love triangle in the history of books and film. Also, sparkly vampires.

Twilight mainimage.jpg

  • First Found: Unknown
 


Summary

Indeed.

Twilight is a Mary Sue series of novels, and a depressingly predictable series of film adaptations featuring twinkly vampires and ditzy teenagers.

Remarkably, the books were written by a thirty year-old woman, and not a twelve year-old girl - not only that, they weren't published as a result of some disasterous misunderstanding!

The 'story'

An uninteresting girl called Bella Swan (see what Meyer did thar?) that everyone inexplicably adores, and who evidently enjoys being a victim, becomes involved with the emasculated vampire and serial abuser, Edward Cullen. An example of Bella making excuses for Edward:

 
“ 		 
He only does it because he loves me.
  		„
 

—Bella, after Edward takes the engine out of her car so she can't see other people.

And another:

 
“ 		 
He only hits me when I deserve it.
  		„
 

—Bella, after Edward falcon-punched her in the vag.

 
“ 		 
Stephenie Meyer can't write worth a darn, She's not very good.
  		„
 

—Stephen King - telling it like it is.

 
“ 		 
I was convinced that Stephenie was convinced that she was Bella and that it was like a book that wasn't supposed to be published. And you're reading, like, her sort of sexual fantasy about some... especially when she says it was based on a dream and it's like 'Oh, I've met this--I've this dream about this sexy guy!' and she just writes this book about it. And some things about Edward are so specific, I was just convinced... like 'This woman is mad. She's completely mad and she's in love with her own fictional creation...
  		„
 

—Robert Pattinson's opinion of the books.

Origins

A real book.

Written by US author, Stephenie (sic) Meyer, the idea for this mawkish melodrama came to her in a dream. Which explains a lot, frankly.

Current status

People's appetite for this drivel is worryingly persistent. It is rumored that their will be a new prequel book called Breaking Dawn, to be released. But after a 10 chapter leak, Meyer freaked out and decided not to write it anymore of it, citing that she would kill all the characters (even though it's the first book from a different perspective). Either way, a plus for humanity.


Facts

  • It blows.
  • If you're a guy and you like Twilight - best keep it to yourself.

Images

Stephenie Meyer's novel is full of silly internal monologues. On the other hand, manhwa artist Young Kim cuts the nonsense in the comic book version and shows what should have been shown, instead of told

Unfortunately, for those of you in North America, the lettering in that version was botched big time!

xkcd's view on this whole thing (xkcd by Randall Munroe)

This would be a film worth watching

Oh god, make it stop

You said it, Jean-Luc

No. It cannot

"Leave us alone, Bella!"

45.jpg

Rpatz went to extraordinary lengths for the lead role...






Videos

A lucid and powerful argument from your average Twitard

Related Pages

Annoying Facebook Girl
Emo
GOTIS
Harry Potter
Mary Sue
Otherkin
United States
Vampire
Wolfaboo

External Links


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